I found myself at a very strange juncture last Friday night.
I am writing my first film in five years. I am putting so much of myself into this work. But it's so scary + painful. And beautiful. To rediscover. To recall. To transform your life + memories into words on a page that you hope will set you free.
To wonder if you are failing and just can't see it yet.
Or are you rising to the occasion? And is it true, that the Universe will always give you only what you are capable of handling? Even if it seems impossible today...
I can't believe this is finally happening. My first film in 5 years. Ultra Bleu.
I can't believe that it's this semi-autobiographical coming-of-age character piece and not some crazy, genre film (all in due time). I can't believe all the things that have happened to me since my first film festival screening in 2012, when I had only turned 25 and I was wandering Chicago, all on my own.
Thinking of the future.
Three years have since come to pass. That future I was once thinking of is long gone. It's just more of the past now.
None of what I had imagined happening is how it came to be. But I would not trade it for anything in the world. It has led me to something greater. Something so beautiful + perfect.
It has led me to courage. I've found a strength I didn't see or think I needed when I was 25 and I was hoping for a lucky break.
How many of us wait and wait for the answers. How we wait for a saving grace. That boy or girl. That tax return. That cold beer. That smaller waist size. That wedding ring. That tomorrow that never comes.
That lucky break.
I find myself writing Ultra Bleu on the train, while on my daily run, in between teaching private English lessons, in the middle of a movie at the theater...
Under blue skies at 5 AM when I can't sleep because it's all too much to hold + it's all too much to let go of.
Fight for what you want. For what you love. For what you believe in. Fight because it's the only thing you have left.
Fight until you realize that there is no such thing as a lucky break, and then break the fxcking walls down. Break through the doubts + the questions.
Get to your truth + put the pedal to the metal.
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